Medical Q&A with Dr. Factoid.(Bs. Hs. Cd.)

Dear Dr. Factoid,

I'm experiencing a high level of stress at my workplace due to heavy workload and low pay. Sometimes I'm seeing things (hallucinations) and experiencing short term memory lost. What did I just wrote? I forgot already. Anyway can you provide me some details on stress and how to handle them effectively? 

Stressed worker.

Dear Stressed worker,

First of all thank you for consulting with me. As you can see from my qualifications, (Hs - Horse Shit, Bs - Bull shit and Cd - Cow dung) you have come to the right place for answers. My vast experience in treating mentally illness type diseases have been proven to work effectively and until now, nobody has ever complained after being consulted by me, they either died or being put into the mental asylum and never ever being heard of again. Anyway, enough bragging, lets go back to the medical emergency in hand. 

STRESS can be classified into 2 types. Mechanical Stress and Biological stress. From your condition, my diagnosis is that you are having a Biological type of stress - ie "mental", as you haven't mentioned anything about any parts of your body being at stress, any stiffness or unmovable limb or some sort, or something like that and plus I don't think you are a robot because robots do not see hallucinations and do not have memory loss, unless we erased the memory purposely. Your hallucinations also didn't mention seeing any naked or sexually arousing object, so it  did not also classify as "mechanical stress". I did suspect that you might be a robot at first, when you say you have heavy workload, probably something like a pneumatic/hydraulic lifting robot or similar, but then when you say you are getting low pay, it 99.9% confirmed my diagnosis as everybody (i mean humans) complaints about low pay - ie they 'think' they did get low pay, or they 'actually' did get low pay. So, enough for the diagnosis, now for the treatment.

1. Go shit.

This is probably the best stress relief treatment possibly available immediately (not exactly that immediate, you have to wait till the sensation come). Whenever you feel that you're having stress, straight away head to the toilet, open the door, clean a bit inside (you do not want to get more stress seeing other people stress relief excess) and start shitting. Remain calm and enjoy the process, and the FLOW. Do NOT force yourself. PUSH - slowly and steady. If you needed to moan, don't be shy and let it go..uummph aaah. Now as you're done, you can immediately feel the differences. Your mind becomes more clearer, your bodily functions becomes normal, and you can feel the freshness as your body becomes lighter and energize, which will result to no more stresses (and a cleaner bowel).
TIPS - read  a magazine or smoke or listen to MP3 from your mobile phone as it will help you relax. The longer you take to shit a 'piece', the better. Let it dangle a bit. 

2. Group therapy.

You can start by finding other workers that experiencing or you suspect having the same problems as you do.  Then start a group therapy. You can warm up the therapy by using simpler words like "apa la mamat nie " or "apala nasib ada boss cam nie" or "apala company nie" and then mediocre words like "s**l/bangang/bedebah/bodoh nak mampos punya boss/company/mamat" then finish of with hardcore words like "Pu****k/l**cau/c*bai/mati lagi baik bla bla" and so on. Put some mad expression to it and yell loudly to get more stress relieved. Take turns, and if possible to get more people into the therapy, including your boss ( if he's in it, try using aliases for anonymity).  
TIPS - Find a secluded spot for this kind of treatment, if possible do it on your working hours and name your group therapy,- ie "Stress worker anonymous" or "F**k the company anonymous". A good spot is where you can smoke while cursing.

3. Take a time off.

I wanted to say take five, but I don't think it's enough for this kind of treatment. Instead, take a time off as long as you like from your working hours. The best way is wandering around the building, going from workers to workers, stop by and listen to the latest gossip, or start one, pretend like you're doing something but instead you're doing nothing, only 'kacau' other people doing their job. If they are nobody to 'layan' you anymore, then you can start browsing the internet for anything that can waste your time. I do recommend Facebook for this, as FB is the mother of all time wasting website. OR write a blog. 
TIPS - when someone come to your desk, use ALT+F4 quickly, it will be seen like you're typing something or doing your job, but instead you're not.

4. Quit your job.

Cliche isn't it? You probably thought so. Why the hell are you still working there when you think you are having all these stresses? You want to die of heart attack or something? Pack your thing and move on. No job, no stress. New job, new stress. Simple and straight forward prognosis.  
TIPS - delete all your work, sabotage or report all the misconduct or blackmail your boss before you go.

So stressed worker, I hope you will get better after this. If the treatment somehow didn't work (I doubt it) please direct your legal actions to 1-300-IDGAD or 1-300-IDGAS.

Dr Factoid 

Bs. Hs. Cd.

Otogtnodi University.

Faculty of Factul Science & Health